So, this post is for my fellow bloggers out there. I know a lot of us struggle to get a decent number of readers, and there’s really no point in writing anything if you’re not gonna be famous for it. With this in mind, I wanted to try out a new strategy for gaining internet popularity:
Now, to be honest, I wasn’t sure how far I wanted to go with trying to hypnotize people into reading my blog. As of right now, I’ve used five different methods, and none of them have worked. Here’s what I’ve tried so far:
1. Waving a pendulum in front of my monitor
I don’t know what I expected with this first method. My webcam wasn’t on, and I had no intention of recording the pendulum at all. I was just swinging it in front of my computer and hoping people would somehow be hypnotized by it. I was confused when my blog didn’t start getting thousands of pageviews from entranced readers, so I thought the pendulum might’ve been broken. I started closely inspecting it for signs of damage as it was waving.
I made the mistake of looking at the pendulum for too long.
According to my phone calendar, four days had passed before I woke up from my trance. I still have no idea what I was doing in Iceland during that time, but the plane tickets and hotel room reservations I bought were very expensive. Overall, my hypnosis-induced Icelandic vacation cost me about $1600, and I still have no memory of what happened during those four days.
However, despite that bizarre incident, I remained undeterred. I really wanted to get more people to read my blog.
2. Adding a series of flashing lights to my site’s home page
I saw this on a TV show once, so I was pretty sure it would work. I managed to figure out my website’s customization features enough to get it to emit flashes whenever someone went to the home page. There were a few minor flaws with this method – since people would already be reading my blog when the flashes started, I wasn’t really hypnotizing them into doing anything they weren’t already doing.
In practice, the flashes ended up being more annoying than effective.
Also, I kept making the mistake of looking at the flashes for too long.
This happened several times before I was able to turn them off. At one point, I discovered that I was covered in bruises, so I think I got into a fight with someone while I was hypnotized. To all of my Canadian readers: If you were the person I got into a fight with… I’m sorry. Also, you’re very good at fistfighting. Those bruises haven’t gone away yet.
3. Using pheromone sprays in online advertisements
Obtaining pheromone sprays powerful enough to compel people to read my blog was tricky, for a number of reasons. For one thing, human pheromones don’t work like that. For another thing, online advertisements don’t work like that. For a third thing, I was so bankrupt from all the plane tickets I’d been purchasing that I couldn’t afford anything other than a spray bottle full of water. The only thing I could do was spray my computer a few times and hope for the best.
Now, I was trying to be careful with the spray bottle, but I think some of the water got up my nose. I woke up in New Zealand, being detained by two police officers.
I couldn’t figure out exactly what had happened, but the police officers seemed pretty horrified by whatever I did. They also didn’t seem to buy “hypnosis” as a defense. I ended up spending time in prison, both for (possibly) assault, and for (definitely, the pilot said) sneaking onto a plane when I couldn’t afford tickets. As a result, I couldn’t post anything on the blog for a while, and my readership started going down.
When I was released, I was pretty desperate to have one of my hypnosis attempts work.
4. Hypnotizing myself to write better quality posts
Admittedly, this was a bit of a departure from the previous three attempts, which had involved trying to hypnotize other people. However, if those previous attempts taught me anything, it’s that I appear to be very easily hypnotized. I wanted to use this ability for good.
I was able to get my sister on board with the plan. She agreed to help guide me into a relaxed, more suggestible state, and then tell me to become better at blogging.
Later, she said she hadn’t even told me to close my eyes yet before I started making a beeline for the airport.
According to her, I got really aggressive when she tried to stop me, and I kept trying to bite her while yelling “I need to do this! IT NEEDS ME TO DO THIS!!!”.
She had to spray me with the water bottle to get me to snap out of it.
After I was out of the trance and we’d both calmed down a little, she told me that being hypnotized can’t force you to do things against your will, and that she had no idea what was happening to me. She was really concerned when I told her about the results of all my previous attempts.
Really, I thought it would’ve been worth it if any of them had worked. Being internet famous means a lot to me.
5. Incorporating subliminal messages into a blog post
By now, I was almost ready to give up, but I wanted to try out one final method. This one involved writing out an inconspicuous-looking blog post, titling it something like “Using Hypnosis to Increase Site Traffic”, and then cleverly underlining specific letters to spell out a hidden message. I’m writing out the last few sentences right now, and I’m feeling pretty optimistic. If you read this post up to the final sentence, you should now feel compelled to-