Welcome, one and all, to our first official gladiator fight!
Now, if you’re anything like me, you’re probably wondering why the Hell we’ve all decided that killing each other for fun is okay now. We’re doing this legally, mind you. Gladiator combat is legal now for some reason.
However, if you’re anything like my co-announcer, you’re thinking I’m “wasting everyone’s time with politics”, and are currently telling me to start the match already.
So, without further ado, let’s all watch someone kill another fully conscious, sentient human for sport!
…Okay, there was apparently some confusion regarding our first few gladiator fights. That’s on me, really. I got swept up in questioning the legality of gladiator matches and forgot to actually announce anything.
I apologize for that, and will now proceed with our scheduled announcements.
1. Seeing as gladiator fighting is still a new sport in the modern era, we’re currently limited in terms of combat weapons. I promise there’ll be assault rifles soon enough.
2. Because this is technically a sport and we’re not just making people kill each other, we do need to have a point system here. We currently have an arrangement in place, but we’re still ironing out the kinks.
3. My co-announcer may have different views on gladiator combat ethics, but I continue to insist that combatants sign a consent form before entering the arena. If you were forced into the arena and don’t remember signing a consent form, that was probably my co-announcer.
4. If you want to fight lions, simply check “lions” on your form. We already have lions. You don’t need to bring your own.
I’d like to go back to some of my previous questions now that I’ve made our announcements. Why is everyone suddenly aggressive enough to warrant legalizing fights to the death? Why are we doing this? Why am I doing this? How did my co-announcer rope me into doing this?
I don’t want to do thi- oh, my co-announcer is requesting that I shut up. On with the matches, I suppose.
As some of you may have noticed, I’ve recently been given a biopsychology textbook containing a section on aggression. You may have noticed this because the subject of my questions has shifted from “legal” to “biological”.
Rest assured, I’ve already argued with my co-announcer about this, and I don’t care how much time I’m wasting. I would still like to ask these questions.
With that out of the way, here’s the second set of announcements we’d like to make:
1. We now have assault rifles in our Weapons Armories, but there are a few issues we need to work out. Most notably, matches have become problematically short.
2. There were too many complications with the point system, some of which led to combatants who had been killed being declared the winner.
From now on, the first combatant to kill someone in the arena automatically wins.
3. I believe I mentioned this in our previous announcement, but you really don’t need to bring your own lions. We have lions. Don’t bring lions.
Now, if everyone here will excuse me, I’m reading about an experiment done on cats. Apparently, when researchers damaged the cats’ prefrontal cortices, their rage responses became more extreme.
Fascinating, isn’t it?
It makes me think about all of us here. Maybe something’s damaged the prefrontal cortices of everyone in this arena. Maybe the combatants don’t really have control over their actions. Maybe my co-announcer can’t help that he somehow got me into the gladiator combat industry, despite the fact that I don’t want to do this, and keeps trying to interrupt my insights right now.
Anyway, go ahead and start the match while I read.
Before I announce our new gladiator combat rules, I have to apologize for reading my biopsychology textbook out loud to everyone in the arena. Apparently, too many combatants are now trying to discuss the nature of consciousness while fighting to the death.
As such, I have been ordered not to read my biopsychology textbook in the arena. This does not affect the rest of you. This only affects me.
However, I would like everyone to agree that my co-announcer is in the wrong here.
Now that the audience is on my side, I’ll proceed with the announcements.
1. We’re still figuring out how to keep matches from only being several seconds long, following the introduction of assault rifles into the arena. Right now, we’re trying to “make the bullets go slower”.
2. I now realize that my last update to the point system was too unclear. The first combatant to kill someone other than themselves in the arena automatically wins. Committing suicide during matches is no longer allowed.
3. Based on some of the debates we’ve overheard, consciousness may be an illusion, and it’s entirely possible that all of our choices are merely the results of electrochemical reactions in our bodies and nothing more.
We may have further blurred the line between “conscious” and “unconscious” when my co-announcer threw in a combatant who was clearly under some form of hypnosis.
Despite this, I’m still enforcing the consent form rule. The only person who should disagree with me on this is my co-announcer, who is stupid and wrong.
4. We don’t know how this happened, but we’ve run out of lions. Combatants will now need to bring their own lions.
Personally, I enjoyed listening to the combatants debate. I thought we could gain new insight into the biopsychological reasons for these gladiator fights, as well as kill each other for entertainment. Unfortunately, my co-announcer doesn’t seem to care about any of that. His new “no reading out loud” rule really does leave a foul taste in my mouth.
Speaking of taste, chapter 6 of the textbook talks about the role of the insular cortex in taste sensation-
According to my co-announcer, I “couldn’t be trusted” to not “waste everyone’s time with brain stuff” if I had a textbook, so I’ve had it taken away from me.
I can assure the combatants, the audience, and my piece of shit co-announcer that I won’t be “wasting everyone’s time” from now on. No more asking questions. No more trying to find the reasoning behind these fights. Just announcements. JUST. ANNOUNCEMENTS.
Let’s get them over with.
1. Apparently, our point system is still a little confusing for some. The first combatant to kill the other combatant or combatants in the arena automatically wins. I understand that we’ve legalized murder in the context of gladiator fights, but indiscriminately killing audience members will not improve your score.
2. Due to our lack of lions, we will no longer be allowing combatants to kill lions. Please do not bring any more lions.
3. We’ve added a few decorations to the arena.
My co-announcer has successfully hindered the pursuit of knowledge by taking my textbook. I hope he’s happy.
Do you know who else censored information like this?
I don’t. He took my history textbook as well.
My co-announcer isn’t here today, so I’ll be doing this on my own.
I found my biopsychology textbook. He didn’t do a great job of hiding it from me. Presumably, he thought I wouldn’t bother to try and find it. I was just gonna read the announcements from now on, like a good little slave.
Forget our actions being the results of neural activity! My actions are a result of HIM! He told me this was a data entry job! I made it VERY clear that announcing gladiator combat rules wasn’t my thing! I told him SPECIFICALLY that!
Wasting time, am I? WASTING TIME!?
I’LL SHOW HIM HOW TO WASTE TIME.
Welcome, one and all, to what are possibly the last few moments of my life!
Some of you may be wondering exactly what happened after my previous announcement. The details have not been revealed to the public as of yet.
The incident may have been an unnecessarily extreme rage response, and because of it, I have now been declared “combatant material”.
I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that, because free will is but a comforting lie that our brains tell us, I was not given the opportunity to sign a consent form before entering the arena.
The good news is that we apparently found more lions.
I don’t want to do this.